Dear Diary,
My life is such a mess. All I do is worry about my son being normal and fight with Matt. I want to go back to the good old days, when it was just me and Matt. We could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. But no, we had to have a son. I blame Matt for all of this. He wanted a son so bad. Why can't he consider me as well. Uhhhhhhgggggg, why does the lord hate me so. I just want to be a normal family. I don't want to fight with Matt all the time about Charlie and all the money we spend on trying to help him learn better. But it has to work. It has to. If it doesn't I’m going to get so much crap from Matt. He wants to open a stinkin barber shop. A barber shop!!!! Can you believe that man. That is not a dignified line of work, he can survive being a salesman or no more Rose Gordon for him. Oh if he evens mentions barbering again i'm going to chop his head off. He doesn't care like I do. He doesn't understand. If you don’t hold your head high and look down on people, than those people will look down on you. That’s one of the main reasons I don't want him to be a barber, all of my friends their husbands are in such respected lines of work. Imagine what they would think of me if they found out I was married to a barber. Oh my gosh there goes that child again. What did he do this time. I swear if he dirtied his pants… again i am going to have to take away that rope toy he’s always playing with. Where did he even get that. Matt probably brought it back for him... Like he deserves it. He always brings things back for him. Toys that kids Charlie's age don’t play with. Matt always says “he's different from the other children Rose.” “he doesn't learn like them he's slow, can’t you see he’s not normal.” But I REFUSE to believe that. HE IS NORMAL. He just needs a little more help that’s all, and there is nothing wrong with that. There he goes again. I wish I could block out that infernal noise. I’ll talk to you tomorrow diary.
Sincerely, Rose Gordon
P.S. I have to tell you about my surprise when I get back.
Dear Diary,
I am ECSTATIC. Finally a second chance. Oh my gosh thank you lord, I knew you couldn't have cursed me. When I told Matt about the news he was excited but not as excited as me. I have no idea why, but I don't care I finally have my chance to prove that I am not cursed to have retarded children. I do hope this one is a girl. A little girl, my little girl. I’ve got remember to keep her out of reach from Charlie when she’s born. He might do something to her. He could drop her on her head or play with her to ruff. Lord knows what goes on in that childs head he is to dangerous for my little girl. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow to see how it's (she’s) doing. Oh I’m so excited!!!!!!! She should be born in a few months. I should probably go and start making dinner, Matt will be home from working soon. He likes to eat as soon as he gets home. I’d better go check on Charlie first before I start to make sure he’s not doing bad things...
THAT CHILD. When I went into his bedroom he was playing with his spinner and his pants were soaked. It was totally disgusting, I can not belive it. I had him go take a bath and I threw his clothes out. I am DONE dealing with that grossness. He’s still in the bath, hopefully he’s cleaned himself up. I must go make dinner now.
Sincerely, Rose Gordon
P.S. I have a feeling that things are about to get very rough with my pregnancy and money and Charlie, so I will try and talk when I can.
Dear Diary,
I’m sorry I haven't written in 5 months. My life has been so busy. Charlie has done some very bad things lately. He wrote a very disgusting note to a sweet girl in his class and her brother beat him up. He probably didn’t know any better, but if he’s starting to act like this with girls what is he going to do with his sister. I’m scared what if he hurts my daughter. Speaking of her, I went to the doctor and he told me that she will be a girl, i’m so excited!!!!!!!!!!! I should be giving birth soon. Hopefully sooner than later I want to see my daughter. Matt and me are going through a very rough patch. Last night we were fighting about Charlie getting switched into his new class, and Charlie came down to “talk” about who knows what and started to cry when he heard that we were screaming. So I started yelling at him to go to bed and he dirtied his pants again, the whole time Matt was telling me to stop that i’m scaring him but I didn’t listen. I’m so tired of dealing with him. I have no idea what to do about him. UHggggggg. I have to go and cook dinner now. I do everything in this house. Matt doesn't help out at all. I wish he could be a more efficient worker and make more money for all of Charlies treatments. Oh Charlies treatments every weekend we traveling to different towns where Charlie goes through a different treatment. Even though none of them have worked yet, I am determined to fix my child. Maybe when my daughter is born we can stop going to treatments. My daughter is going to be perfect and nothing is going to stop that from happening. I guess I should go cook now Matt has been coming home later now so it gives me a chance to write a little longer. I will talk to you soon but this baby is ready to come out so it may be later than sooner. Goodbye Diary
Sincerely, Rose Gordon
Dear Diary,
I finally had beautiful Norma Rose Gordon. She is so sweet and beautiful, and she is my child. So far she is looking to be the perfect child. I’m always nervous when Charlie is around Norma. I’m scared he going to hurt her. He is so careless, whenever Matt is holding her I get terrified that he will let Charlie hold her, I tell him every time don’t let Charlie hold her. Speaking of the angle, she has started to cry I better go check on her.
I walked into Norma's bedroom and there was Charlie holding Norma. I started screaming at him and snached Norma away, who started to cry. I told him “ look what you’ve done, now she’s crying.” He looked at me and he started to cry. I sent him to his room. I was able to calm Norma down and I told her “don’t worry my little angel, he won't touch you ever again.” He is a horrible child. Why can't he just listen. HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO TOUCH HER.
*Throws diary, which hits the wall and falls behind a table*
Dear Diary,
I found you the other day while trying to make space for a new painting that I was able to buy with the money I secretly saved up from doing odd jobs. No one knows about my odd jobs. I go do them while Matt’s at work and the kids are at school. I’ve made a decent amount of money so I could buy this small little painting. I’ll just tell Matt that my parents sent it to me. Reading my last entry I realized how simple life was back then even though it was only 7 years ago it feels like such a long time. Life now is very frustrating and annoying. Charlie is causing problems for Norma. Because he’s been put into the retard class the other students tease Norma and give her a hard time. It is absolutely terrible. I had promised Norma a puppy if she did good in school, and she came home with an A on her test, I am so proud to be her mother, she kept saying I want a dog, I want a dog and I told her alright I guess I did promise you a puppy if you did well. But Charlie heard and offered to help with the dog. Norma wanted the dog all to herself, and of course Matt had to come right in and say that if she was being selfish she didn't deserve a dog. But she was not being selfish at all she was sticking up for what she wanted. Matts actions forced Norma to say a horrible thing “I’ll stop studying, and I’ll be a dummy just like him. I’ll forget everything I learned and then I’ll be just like him.” I could not believe what I was hearing. All of this happened because of Charlie. Last year another very horrible thing happened. Charlie was watching Norma through the keyhole while she was in the tub. He started looking at her in sexual ways. I may not be in his brain but I know he is. He is horribly dirty minded and disgusting. I must send him away. To protect my beautiful, perfect, normal Norma. Now thinking back about it, and all other things that have happened that Charlie is responsible for, I have made a decision. Charlie is no longer allowed to be in this household. He needs to leave, TONIGHT. I will tell Matt and he will take him to the Warren State home. Then he will be out of our lives forever. Finally Norma and I won’t have to live with the constant struggle of Charlie. Matt doesn't have to deal with having a son like Charlie all he does is work, work, work, work, work, work. Oh there he is now. I will tell you the details after, but the one thing that I am sure of is that Charlie has to go.
Sincerely, Rose Gordon
Dear Diary,
Last night was and will be the best night of Norma and my life. Matt took Charlie away. Altho it wasn't very pretty when I was screaming at Matt and threatening to kill Charlie with a knife if he wasn’t gone by the morning. Matt gave in right after I pulled out the knife. He went upstairs grabbed Charlie's stuff put it in a suitcase grabbed Charlie and drove to the Warren State home. He came back a few hours later with no Charlie and divorce papers. I honestly couldn't believe he wanted a divorce. I asked him why, he said its because I won't give him freedom to be a Barber. I can’t believe it, he should have a distinguished job. A salesman was at least a bit distinguished. He said now that Charlie is gone he doesn't need to be working as a salesman, and he knew that I would never let him be a salesman. He says “I have finally realized that you are not good for me you don’t even want your own child to be who he is. I don’t want to deal with poison like that.” Then he went upstairs packed his bags and left. I was kinda upset but Mat was right about one thing I was not good for him, I was to good for him. I feel so free now that the two men are gone, well boy and man, I can do what I would like and be free. I know longer need you to write down my feelings thank you for being my vent when I needed it.
Sincerely, Rose Gordon
Dear, Dairy
I fell myself slipping, I can’t concentrate, everything is messed up. I think I am going insane. Is this going to be the end of Rose Gordon.
Rather strange I don’t remember writing that last sentence. Oh well must have been from a long time ago. But I am not going crazy oh definitely not. I am just dandy. The other day I felt as though Matt and I were fighting again. It was quite strange we haven't fought in years. He still must have been out getting groceries and I was just daydreaming. I am going to the doctor in a few weeks. I haven’t been to the doctor in a very long time since I was 5 maybe. I don’t know why I didn’t go back. Maybe I was to scared. I even had my beautiful two children at home. Oh my children. Norma is a beautiful young lady she looks like me. Charlie, my charming, smart, kind Charlie. I’d give anything to see him again I would die. But I miss him terribly, I wish he never had to go off to college and then die. I never even got to see his body. I miss him. It was terribly hard to tell Norma she cried for many days, as did I. Mat cried to altho he went out a lot, I think to drink away the pain. Oh wonderful I hear my timer for my cookies. I shall be back shortly.
Goodbye diary it was pleasant writing to you. I shall be back to speak to you again tomorrow.
Sincerely , Rose Gordon
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